Wish list

hmmmm

there are always so many things that i want.  this year i think i have most of the big things i need- camera, GPS, laptop, sims 3, lol.

i need practical things like a new pea coat, black leather boots that dont have a heal, scarves, some new pants

i would like a new ipod and an iphone but neither of those is practical right now

that new Nook from barnes and noble is tempting me but i know i dont have enough time to read regular books anymore and i want to give it time to get reviews

money is always nice, that and gift cards, cant go wrong with those!

i can probably add to this with time bc this is spur of the moment

feeling down in so many areas

for some reason a lot of areas of my life are getting me down these days. one in particular is my weight and i think going to the mall with friends to try on things just makes it worse bc it makes me feel like the problem only gets worse and not better which is definitely no good. i feel like i want to get my weight back down but balancing that with being in medical school is really impossible when you're stressed all the time, breaking out with all kinds of exams all the time and a lot of demands, you eat junk just so you can have something to eat really quick and you're up so late so it's impossible to get the sleep you need for your body to be able to lose the weight like you'd like it to. i'm working on it tho, tryin to stay positive and trust that it'll happen at some point. sooner rather than later please. in addition to that i dont have time to do my hair and i dont have time to make an appt to get my hair done. sad times. i am just praying that it all comes together. lastly, i'd like to be able to go to church more consistently, but it's so hard for anything to be consistent, especially with my church being so far. i feel like people that i took to church with me are going more than i am! what's up with that. hopefully with time i will be able to get all these things together and in order as they once were. why does being in medical school have to mean the other areas of your life go awry?!?

alright

so now im kinda annoyed.  so now this other doctor says i do have PCOS according to the NIH definition and i just have an adrenal gland component and that if i was in England then my sonogram would matter but not here.  he explains i need to see a nutritionist and go on a hypocaloric diet of 500 calories per day because my metabolism is slow.  wowzers.  he also said i have to walk/exercise for 30 consecutive minutes 3 times per week and i have no problem with that bc i want to exercise.  i explained to him that i lost weight and then got to med school and it all gained back and he told me if im smart then ill be able to do it.  he also said he teaches us in the 3rd year and that we need to have this resolved by then and then he said he teaches at the end of 2nd year, great!  so i guess this is some additional motivation for me to get this weight off.  not like i haven't wanted to but it's going to be misery not eating anything- how am i supposed to concentrate?  Lord make a way!

Diagnosis!

So I think I've just diagnosed myself with obstructive sleep apnea secondary to obesity. Sitting in a very interesting lecture about it today, the doctor said it is characterized by a BMI > 25 and snoring at night and excessive daytime sleepiness. I have all three! Sucky. The treatments are all pretty invasive except for one- lose weight! All signs point to losing weight so why won't my body comply when I am making the necessary changes. Just gotta eat right, exercise and pray for the best I guess.

Movie Review!

Good hair

saw it twice this weekend. yup, sure did say twice. once with boo bear and the next time with LBP. it was really good! i think it's a good movie for black people to see to see how impt we consider our hair in our community. not to mention it is hilarious!!! go see this movie

Zombieland

this movie was stupid funny and hilarious. it was funny in a different way from good hair but i enjoyed it. i'm so sick of zombie movies so this one being a play on a zombie movie was refreshing. i think the media is wishing a virus attacks the human race that causes ppl to go mad bc they keep making movies and tv shows about it- stop it! first i am legend and now this one and some tv show is coming out with the same theme and it was on that superman show boo bear watches and i cant think of the name of it right now, supernatural i think? im not too sure.

I am testing this mobile blogging thing- trying to decide if this is what I wanna do

almost forgot

#4. Boo bear and I have been working out pretty consistently this past week and it feels really good to be back on a schedule. It's been a long time since I've felt like things are on track. Being in med school is taking a toll on my sanity and balance is hard to come by. So at least I feel like I'm doing something to actively attack this weight problem which has plagued me for so long.

#5. I've been watching a lot of sermons from my local church that is no so local. It usually takes like 35-45 minutes to get out there and even longer to get back bc traffic can be so crucial. So I've been staying connected spiritually using the web and it is working out nicely. Since I've been out of college my spiritual life and exercise regimen have kept me sane and healthy so it is imperative I don't lose sight of those two very important things. Also someone from boo bear's church back home sent us some devotionals and that was really nice because it's been providing the words I need when I really need them.

#6. A new found peace. I expressed some distention over my living situation and my roommate and I've honestly turned over a new leaf in the past week. I've changed my perception. I forgive her and I forgive myself for how I've felt and how I've acted. I pray for healing and her well being as well as mine. I want to be a positive vessel for God to act through and I cannot do that if I am holding grudges or if I am unwilling to forgive. So, it has been important for me to take things in stride and simply live each day as it comes along. I think it has done wonders for how I feel when I am in my own apartment or when I have to interact with her. All in all I say one day at a time and I'm letting bygones be bygones (or however you spell that)

week in review

this week a lot of interesting things have happened.  many of them have been very good so i'm going to share them here

#1.  a girl that i met in a summer program in 2004 and i became really good friends and talked all the time about everything even tho we lived in separate states.  our friendship blossomed and then in october 2007 we spent her birthday in Vegas and when i returned home she did not seem to want to speak to me.  she was not answering my calls and she did not call me.  i wrote her an email and we talked back and forth, she was upset about something but i never knew what.  2 years later we still aren't talking until tuesday of this week.  her birthday was monday and i thought of her so when i saw her online tuesday i decided to say happy belated birthday even tho i was not so sure she would even respond. but to my surprise she responded saying thank you and apologized for us not talking the past 2 years.  it was nice and we caught up for some time.  i never had any animosity towards her, i just wanted to make amends and be friends.  we have not talked since then but at least the door is now opened.  we have lived different and separate lives for so long that i'm sure it'll take time to reconnect on a complete level.  she is getting married in May, which is awesome and crazy at the same time.  i'd love to go but we'll see what happens.

#2.  i went to the doctor for a follow up visit because in college I was diagnosed with PCOS-polycystic ovarian syndrome and told it would be hard to have children and that was pretty devastating.  i have not wanted children yet so it's not something I think about all the time but my cycle is irregular and my weight is hard to keep in control so those are the main issues i've experienced. this doctor decided to take a sonogram to actually look at my ovaries and see if they were in fact polycystic.  i received the results on thursday and she said my ovaries are NOT polycystic and my uterus is small with no fibroids or endometriosis.  woo hoo!  i can have kids afterall- when i'm married and ready of course.

#3.  REST.  this week and weekend i've had some time to sleep and relax a little.  i'd been having a twitch in my left eye for 3 days starting thursday and it's because of the built up stress that i've had with this semester so far.  things are so intense and we study so many hours without breaks for sanity just so we can make good grades.  thankfully i've been able to sleep in and get some work done here and there.  so the twitch is gone and we are off of school today for the holiday so the rest continues.

i'm glad it's been a good week.  enjoying the little things makes life much happier.

i am not a monster

recently i've been doing some self reflection.  while i realize no one is perfect and that includes me, there are just some things i've never really been able to understand about how people receive me or think of me when they really don't even know me.  when i went to college ppl thought i was mean because i did not speak but once they actually talked to me, they realized that was not it at all, i am just a quiet person by nature.

now that i'm in medical school, i think people have tried to paint me as some kind of bad person, monster and they have no idea who i am nor have they taken the opportunity to get to know who i am.  that is unfair, but it is life.  all i can do is be me and put myself in the position to be able to know people who are willing to get to know me without judging me.

in addition, i have to not allow those judgments to determine how i interact with other people and to just be nice old me all the time to everyone.  that way i get to keep my sanity and be friends with those who do not judge.

how to handle offenses

"God will not allow you to carry the drama of your pain into the prosperity of your purpose"

Wise words from the pastor. I'm sitting in a classroom studying for my exams tomorrow and listening to past sermons since going to church is not an option today. Recently I've been trying to resolve a situation with my roommate and it has not been working. I feel like I've done everything I can with her to make things better, different and cordial. But at this point I realize I have to let it go, forgive and move forward while still in the situation instead of waiting for the day when I'm away from it all. I am seeking peace from it and an understanding of what I am to gain from this situation in my life. It is no coincidence that things have happened the way they have and I am supposed to get something from this- learn something about me and grow. So my personal goal is to find out what that is and how I can get the most from this situation and not harbor bitterness because in the end that only hurts me.

no competition

i am not sure why but i feel as tho someone is trying to compete with me.  i dont want to compete.  i want to do me and you do you.  i want to live my life and you live yours.  i think that people should grow up and become their own person so they can be happy.  and not determine their happiness based on where they stand in comparison to the next person.  in this world, it is hard to find who you are and be proud of that and you always feel like you have to define yourself based on a rubric or scale.  so i (once again) have to be the bigger person and completely ignore it and move forward with my life.

one day at a time, i am determined to make it.  to be successful, love me for who i am while growing and clinging to those who love and support me.  i appreciate you all.